I just returned from my short vacation from NYC with a few friends of mine, and though it was fantastic, I had some time away with reflections. Who knew a four-day trip would show me more insight into what’s going through my mind and dig up some deep scars. It was a swirl of thoughts and ultimately could be summary into four over-arching themes.
1. Butterfly Mood
I learned that my best friend coined a term for me when I’m in adventure mode! And it’s pretty fitting for me since I zone out, quiet down, and just take in the environment around me, but at times, I feel like it’s a double-edged sword. Whether with friends or strangers, I’m just so content with being in a new environment that I don’t create or engage in many conversations that I might end up boring people. I think this fear of boring people stems from not knowing what to say or do because I’ve slowly turned into a workaholic. There’s always some type of responsibility from night to morning, and it doesn’t help that most of my friends live far from me to drag me away. A good reason behind my “butterfly mood” stems from being overworked and over-relied on, so much so that a huge weight is taken off my shoulders when I can step away! Does anyone feel like this, too, at times?
2. A Pool of Strangers
No doubt that when you are in a city with 8.4 million people, you’ll definitely feel tiny and insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Spats of indifference and annoyance were with me the entire time, walking through endless blocks of the city. Fortunately, I was accompanied by friends, but it placed into perspective how much I’m scared about leaving my hometown, family, friends and jumping ship into a pool of strangers. It was always a happy sentiment moving away and starting fresh. Still, these moments of hesitation really catch deep into my personal fears that I never thought about too much.
3. Where Can I See Myself
It’s safe to assume at one point or another, the majority of people residing in the U.S. dreamt of living in NYC, The Big Apple, if you will.
It’s safe to assume at one point or another, the majority of people residing in the U.S. dreamt of living in NYC, The Big Apple, if you will. When I left my undergraduate studies, I could see myself living in NYC! The city that never sleeps, a new adventure around the corner, and endless wandering through the streets with music in my ears. A friend of mine shared that the more he explores the U.S., the more he realizes that he doesn’t want to live in his current location, which popped the question in my head. Where should I be? Although I already know the answer for the next couple of years, after that, then what? I have no idea what I want to be or who I want to become; I just know a lot is waiting for me to discover. I see friends moving away and moving on with a determination to live, yet I stand here wondering what that is for me. I want to live in a home surrounded by friends and family, to know what it’s like to live without the fear of loss or detachment. We all leave, but I don’t know where to go if I’m by myself. It’s ironic – mentally, I know that life goes forward, and time takes us away to different parts. Still, emotionally, I’m scared to land in an endless pit of loneliness when the day ends. . . now more than ever.
4. Child-like Love Versus Reality
It’s no surprise to my friends that I’m a big romantic, and it came out when I visited the Bethesda Fountain in Central Park. Iconic for countless romantic scenes in movies where someone confesses their love or where it ends. My friends and I were strolling through the entirety of Central Park and kept seeing scenes from movies that I couldn’t recall but felt. It’s bittersweet when you realize these romantic notions showcased in films aren’t the realities of life. The older I become, the more aware I am of what it takes to maintain a strong personal connection and registering what is possible. If you ask a child, they have a simple answer. If you ask an adult, you get a string of reasons or excuses one after another. I’m starting to learn that having the biggest heart and sharing it with people leaves it defenseless. I recognized, too, that I want something lasting rather than a short-term gratification because trusting and allowing an individual is hard, painful, and scary. So when you have someone like me, who has trust issues and yearns for a connection, well, that’s enough said from me.
I’m curious; Do You Favor Friendships over Relationships?
People swore I should watch When Harry Met Sally, and though parts of it left me screaming at second-hand embarrassment. It’s an excellent film to depict that sometimes friendships are more important than being in a relationship. If the road crosses, then it’ll work out with some good communication and patience. Who knows what’s in store for you and me?
Thank you for taking the time to read what I learned about myself in NYC. I hope that whatever message you took from this blog helps you or makes you feel like others are in this position, too. Trust me, I’m always this go-happy lucky guy to everyone in my life, but this is my safe zone for those who connect with me.